What Valentine's message can you find in a honeycomb? Newest results. "Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag." Animals 15. I mostly live in your pants and I am always in your mind, you cannot live without me. Whats the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?Condoms have evolved: Theyre not so thick and insensitive anymore.Do I believe in safe sex? "You're purr-fect!". ", 3. Santa goes through the chimney for what reason? 69 Seriously Dirty Jokes and Memes (That Will Make You Cover Your Eyes), MOST Corny and Cheesy Jokes That Will Make You Groan at its Corniness, Funny Questions to Ask That Will Make Everyone Burst Out Laughing, A Collection of Funny Knock Knock Jokes Perfect for Every Occasion, Jail Jokes Will Keep You Laughing Until Your Cell Is Empty, Laugh Out Loud at These Ski Jokes While Enjoying Downhill Skiing, Perfect Statistics Jokes to Crack in Class, Unicorn Jokes That Will Make Your Little Believer Laugh, Funny Vacuum Jokes That Will Make You Laugh While You Clean, Alligator Jokes You Wont Scare To Laugh At. Valentine's Day Jokes Fall head over heels with these Valentine's Day jokes. "Give it to me! I can't wait for Valentine's Day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me. Of course I do. Today, I just want you to stuff me." " I got you a heart-shaped box in my pants." "TBH, it's a big bow and arrow A: HalfwayI didnt have sex at all, not a scrap til I was 67. 4. Why did the police officer lock up her Valentine? (could be for a friend you love) I'm so glad your mum didn't swallow Theyll dessert you. Im sorry, but if Christmas is coming so am I.What do you call a video of two toads having sex?Frogspawn.What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between br*asts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?A SeatbealtWhen at the supermarket, I always pick the cashier whos most likely to have sex with me. Heres What We Found. Why did the magnet hit on the refrigerator? You wear me for protection every time you feel not so comfortable with what you are dipping yourself into. "Whale you be mine?". I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me." Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young sons innocence, the mother turns around and says, Dont worry, dear. After all, roses may be red, violets may be blue, but one thing's for surewe've got the all-time greatest Valentine's jokes for you! Tear off your underwear. Why do elves laugh when they are running? What did the squirrel say to her Valentine? How did the tennis ball flirt with the racquet? Why did all the other fruit ask the banana to be their Valentine? "Ouch! What does a farmer give to his partner on Valentines Day? Sending hilarious short dirty jokes to a mate may be a lot of fun, and you can wind up laughing your lungs out together. What is it?A nose.My wife gave me a handjob the other day using Vaseline. Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns. chemistry lover. Both men and women go down on me. Antelope. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. Kid 1: "I don't have a sister.". The best (and corniest) jokes for Valentine's Day So here they are: the best Valentine's Day jokes that have tickled our funny bones and warmed our hearts. I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you." What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?I want you inside me.What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?If we dont get some support, people will think were nuts.What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion?Its not what it looks like!What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?A private tutor.What is the difference between a prostitute and a 7-year-old?You dont know? Do you know the real meaning of Valentines Day? Because theyre scent-imental animals! When You Are Strictly Not In Love. My love language is physical touch. Studying Amos who?A mosquito bit me!Knock, knock.Whos there? $10.00 (30% off) More like this. 21. Is your name Chapstick? 20. Once you hit 69, you have to turn back around.Whats the difference between a penis and a bonus?Your wife will always blow your bonus!What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?Beat it. What did the baker say to his wife on Valentines Day? Music Cute love background. But you probably cant tell in these trousers.Im spread out before being eaten. This holiday may be named after a saint, but nothing Im going to do to you tonight is church-sanctioned. Her heart wasn't in it. Valentines Day is about to become a religious holiday, because youre gonna be screaming, Oh God! all night. What do you call two sparrows who just got engaged? A calendar. He was a real keeper. One of the nasty jokes forher. Mary who? Valentine's Day is celebrated almost world . Do you have a large bone youd like me to examine? For Valentines Day, Im gonna make you mine again and again. 7. Me: "No. The others a great year.Why are men like diapers?Theyre usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.What do you call a video of two toads having sex?Frogspawn.Whats the difference between anal and oral sex?Oral sex makes your day. For example, what becomes wetter as things get raunchy? Ill be the 6, you be the 9. What did the sweetheart say to the baker? 12. 29. ", Check out:175 Bad JokesJokes for KidsChristmas JokesHalloween Jokes101Corny Jokes. The difference between "Ooooooh" and "Aaaaaah" is about three inches. Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, "Not exactly romantic, but very practical. It must have been a really bad one we work on a submarine.What do you get when you mix human DNA and goat DNA?You get kicked out of the petting zoo.How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?He forgot to wrap his Whopper!Whats the difference between you and the refrigerator?The refrigerator doesnt moan when I put my meat in it.What do a boyfriend/girlfriend and a math test have in common?Theyre both something we could cheat on.A husband says to his wife, Why dont you tell me when you orgasm?She replies, I dont like calling you when youre at work.I told my mom that I have an Oedipus complex.She asked if I was serious, and I said, Nah, Im just fucking with you.Did you hear Lorena Bobbit just died?Yeah I heard she was on the freeway and some dick cut her off.My bae told me that s/x is better on vacation.It wasnt the best postcard Ive ever received.How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?By the taste.My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, I shaved my pussy you know what that means?I said, Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again.. A hug and a quiche. Is it feasible to have a dirty and humorous joke at the same time? 23. What do you call a blossoming romance in a fish tank? Valentines day is one big scam. Lingerie is half-off in stores today, but in my bedroom, its going to be 100% off. "This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. How to create your own funny website and make money in the comedy sector! How did the orca ask the other to be their Valentine? I am more comfortable when wet and very unpleasant when dry. ", Related: 100 Unique Valentine's Day Gifts, 26. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Valentine's Day memes: 60 hilarious memes for Valentine's Day lovers or cynics Valentine's Day 2023: When is the holiday and why do we celebrate it? Give it to me! she yelled. "I love you berry much! Enjoy these dirty minded riddles for adults. Sense of Humor. Sometimes, humor is all about efficiency, and short adult jokes are no exception. Lie to me!. No one is telling you that you should stop making juvenile jokes; we think theyre hilarious, too. Your tongue gets me off. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. What am I?Nose.Ive currently got a stalker. Why didnt the skeleton want to celebrate Valentines Day? What did one boat say to the other? 20. 28. Hubby/wifey material. 9. How do sheep share their feelings with each other? What kind of flowers shouldn't you gift your girlfriend? Looked around and collected some of the funniest dirty jokes only for adults. Though adulthood is all about taking responsibility for your own decisions in life, a little pause through dirty adult jokes can really perk you up. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started 2. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. How do I want thee? Violets are fine. Tap To Copy. Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with pride. 13. "Lovesick.". You always play with me in bed before you get to sleep. A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. Such kind of jokes could bring a smile on anyone's face or could crack them up in a knotty situation. 19. What's the best recipe for a perfect morning on February 14? What kind of flower should you never give on Valentines Day? Amazing Funny Facts and Crazy Statistics! Why not try some short naughty jokes? (for a not so subtle way of asking her for sex) Let my pork see your pie! "My heart beats for you. Im surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!If theyre making cakes for divorces, why not Happy Menopause! Mmm, its a bit dry. "That was very kind of you," Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought." Give it to me! One of the examples of a short dirty jokes and riddles. They said it was a date. "I'm nuts about you.". Man on a Valentine's date: "Table for two please.". Worry not, because Metro.co.uk has compiled a list of the rudest, tongue-in-cheek-est, blush-inducing jokes for Valentines Day. By stealing too many hearts. I said, Well, Im pretty good, but I dont think Im ready to compete just yet.What do you do when a womans choking?Back up a few inches.What does a robot do after a one-night stand.Nuts and bolts.Ive never laughed a woman in to bed, but Ive laughed one out of bed many times.I am mostly six inches long. Youre my butter half. Discover these short dirty jokes and get a good chuckle. Whats 6 inches long, 2 inches broad, and drives ladies insane? Catch a glimpse of these dirty jokes and gear up yourself for a comfortable laugh. After all, some couples might prefer sex toys to stuffed bears. What did the romantic sing after she got a paper cut? Happy independence day! Whats the difference between kinky and perverted? There is no law stating that hilarious jokes must be defined. Every one of us has probably done something nasty at some point in our lives. Cards arent the only things that are going to be opening tonight. What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day? Do you present the weather? Laughing at dirty jokes is a sign that you have a healthy sense of humor and that you don't take yourself so seriously. Waiter: "Do you have reservations?". Roses are red, violets are blue, and all my naughty thoughts include you. Theres something wrong with my cell phone. When do bed bugs fall in love? A: To remind single people they are single. I sometimes ask you to spit and not swallow it. Roses are red, violets are blue; I sure am glad I swiped right on you. 'What does a 75-year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesnt?Her navel.What is the difference b/w stress, tension & panic?Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when girlfriend is pregnant & panic is when both are pregnantWhat do you get when you cross a dick with a potato?A dictator!Sex is like a burritoDont unwrap or that babys in your lap.Name something you can say during Game of Thrones and sex.The ending was disappointing. Is that Cupids arrow in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? What am I?Your wedding band.Dirty mind test: What starts with d and ends with ick?Drumstick.What gets wetter when things get steamy?Steamboats.Im hard and hairy on the outside but soft and wet on the inside. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. 27. He was so row-mantic. Hey, it beats folding. It was very a-peel-ing. Whats a paper cuts favorite song on Valentines Day? 3. Who always has a date on Valentine's Day? her father asks in shock. 1. Who always has a date on Valentine's Day? Were a perfect match! The dentist said, I think you have the wrong room. You put in my husbands teeth last week, she replied. Why did all the fruit ask the banana to be their Valentine? Roses are Red,Violets are Blue,Im using my hand,Thinking of you. Buy "funny chemistry valentine jokes (not joke)" by Nazou521 as a Essential T-Shirt. Tap To Copy. I got you a heart-shaped box in my pants. Your heart isnt the only one of your organs I want to touch tonight. ", A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones. "Bee mine. (could be for a friend you love) Im so glad your mum didnt swallow. It doesnt cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.What do a hooker and bungee jump have in common?Unfortunately, if the rubber breaks, you are obviously screwed.A dad tells his son Stop masturbating! I find you very attractive. Kid 2: "You will in about nine months.". "Lovebirds.". Naughty Valentine's Day jokes: 16. What did one piece of toast say to the other on Valentines Day? Returning visitor? Roses are red, violets are blue, and all my naughty thoughts include you. Why did the magnet hit on the refrigerator? Anyone with a great sense of humor will enjoy these jokes and Valentine's Day one-liners. He found her to be very attractive. There is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies. Corny Valentine's Day pickup. Whats the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?Ones a Goodyear. Because Mrs. Claus said he wouldnt use the back door. Im trying to examine you.I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. So, grab a box of chocolates to snack on, write out your Valentine messages (or Valentine's Day Instagram captions! Though many people would pretend they dont like dirty jokes or they dont understand them, but deep down we all know that everyone enjoys receiving a slightly naughty message or laughing at a well-told dirty minded joke. I think you are porcu-fine. ", 32. How did the vegetable politely ask for a date? Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London. 4. You look handsome, you look sweet,Lie down over there, and Ill take a seat. However, we're here to pleasantly surprise you with these 50 hilarious Valentine's Day jokes! His heart wasnt in it. Because youve got fine written all over you. What do Disney World and V*agra have in common? Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. Frame design with cute paint drawing hearts. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Dewey who?Dewey have a condom handy?Knock, knock.Whos there?Baghdad.Baghdad who?Id love to see you Baghdad butt up.Knock, knock.Whos there?Ivan. Feb 6, 2022 - what may be the world's largest collection of dirty, punny and cheesy Valentine's Day cards. (adorable) I love you from the bottom of my cock. Whats the best part about Valentines Day? "I love your buns!". After careful consideration, he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. My ideal body weight is yours on top of mine. You have to admit there's already quite a bit of humor involved with imagining someone slyly flying all around with talent not only for archery but matchmaking! He added a card and proceeded home. Do you know a good joke which isn't here. Unless you spread it, you might not enjoy it. His favourites are Star Wars and Chuck Norris. Funny Jokes Today Jokes 69 Seriously Dirty Jokes and Memes (That Will Make You Cover Your Eyes). What did one flame say to the other on Valentines Day? 39 best Valentine's Day jokes, and funniest ideas for a card message Prepare to laugh. Im known as a big swinger. Why? Because, the doctor says. Because I'm feeling a connection. ", 8. Are you in need of some dirty minded jokes? And that was cos Id no small change for the window cleaner.All men have it. Vehicle Long-Distance Valentine's Day Planning Can Be Hard, but Here's How to Make It Work, 27 Fun and Sweet Quotes to Send Your Friends on Valentine's Day, Why Are Bots Liking Your Instagram Story? Im especially responsive when you put your fingers deep inside me. ", Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Espresso yourself.". If youre easily offended these are not for you . I lava you! Tonight, you're going to need a safe word, and the safe word is "be mine." Cards. Not every joke needs to be family-friendly or G-rated. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove. That was just an insect. Wow, the boy replies. Got a sweetheart this Valentine's Day? He gave her a ring. What am I?TentWhats long and hard when its young and soft and small when its old?A candle.What is the difference between a womans G-spot and a quarter?Men actually have a chance of finding a quarter when they search for it. What did the couple say after they were struck by Cupid's arrow? Save 20% sitewide now. Its a date! And that was cos Id no small change for the window cleaner.They say that kissing is a language of love, so would you mind starting a conversation with me?Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs.If a threesome is with three people and a twosome with two, do you now understand why people call you handsome.What name do you give to a country where everyone is pissed off?Urination.Sex is like pizza, if youre going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck youre doing.A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti and says: Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!You know youve got a high sperm count when she has to chew before she swallows.If its true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning. Why were the forks disappointed on Valentine's Day? So he gives it to her.If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they cant have a headache and sex at the same time?I come in different sizes, shapes and colors. Valentine's Day has its haters. Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, "No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'." If you play your cards right, 2-14 is gonna add up to 69. What do you call a happy couple who first met via Twitter? How do you know Valentines Day is about to become a religious holiday? Hi, my names Microsoft. It is, indeed. The jeweller inquired, "Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?" "Olive you. 'Whats the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.I really deeply wish that you are here with me in my room on my bed & lights is off & we get under the cover together to show you my glow in the dark watch.My girlfriend asked me if I smoke after sexI said I havent looked. Instead, capture someone's heart with our Valentine's Day jokes for kids. Give me some sugar. This way, if we break up, I can use it again. Because Yoda only one for me! The best man always has me first. 10. What did the love-obsessed candle say when it was lit? "Peas be my Valentine.". All they wanted to do was spoon. Sometimes, giant balls hang from me. Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister.". Roses are red. chemistry memes. ChuckleBuzz has had contributions from a huge amount of freelancers and visitors who submit content to the website. Spring Santa Clause makes an appearance in some, your wife is in others, and still others are simply dirty puns. Summer I love you once and flor-al. 500 Valentine Cards Sent by Desperate Man Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Guppy love. What did the flower say to his unrequited love? Fans go wild over moment Kate jokes with Prince William about Six Nation results at St David's Day parade - before affectionately rubbing his arm in a rare PDA He REALLY is Benjamin Button! Well, then keep an eye on these questions because such dirty jokes can surely put them up in an awkward position. 6. If you dont like Valentines Day because its corny how about, instead, we make it porn-y? 45. ", 9. One of the instances of short inappropriate jokes that should be sent with caution. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. 18. Give me a hug and a hiss, honey. What do squirrels give on Valentines Day? What am I?Peanut butterIm going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. Stealing too many hearts. PS: The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing. What am I?A bowling ball. Love, Cuddle Bear Knock-knock jokes were never out of trend and people still love and appreciate them, every now and then. I can be more fun when I vibrate. My heart beats for you. 1. What did one Hershey's bar say to the other who arrived long past their date time? His ghoul-friend. Dirty Valentine's one-liners (so cute!) You can donate blood to me anytime since youre just my type. 4. 4. ", 17. Wanna see where? 37. If we dont get some support, people will think were nuts.Whats the best thing about gardening?Getting down and dirty with your hoesWhats the difference between me/you and a mosquito?A mosquito will stop sucking once you slap it.Whats the difference between you and the refrigerator?The refrigerator doesnt moan when I put my meat in it.I took a Viagra the other day. The jeweller smiled and said, "Yes, sir; how very romantic of you." Roses are redViolets are blueMy knickers get wetJust thinking of you. What am I?A crane. Distractify is a registered trademark. Kelly Sillaste // Getty Images. The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma.". The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, the third nun couldnt reach.Whats the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?There are twenty of them. A booger is thrown into the air.Whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.Ive been taking Viagra for my sunburn. Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house.What the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?Ive never let a garbanzo bean on my chest.If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?Three feet of my cock up your ass.Congratulations! Whats better than a good laugh? What did one cappuccino say to their shy crush? Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. I choo-choo-choose you to stay in bed with me all day. Movie Characters The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. Looking for a craft to send to your sweetheart this Valentine's Day? I dont want any stuffed animals. Roses are red, violets are blue That's what they say, but it just isn't true! Im like butter, you can spread me anytime. Valentine's Day is about to become a religious holiday, because you're gonna be screaming, "Oh God!" all night. Why did the banana go out with the prune? Why does a mermaid wear seashells?Because she outgrew her B-shells!Your face reminds me of a wrench; every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.What does one boob say to the other boob?If we dont get support, people will think were nuts.Why is sex like math?You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray theres no multiplying.Im not calling you a slut, Im calling you a penny: two faced, worthless, and in everyones pants.Did you hear about the guy who died because he was erect for too long?They couldnt close his casket.What do mice and gay people have in common?They are both enemies of pussies.I wish you were my big toe.
